The Tragedy of MacBeth: A Modern Retelling of the
by DeejayMil
Summary: A parody of Shakesphere I did for Year 10 Lit Studies: Set in modern American high school times, how will the popular jock MacBeth handle the prophecy that he will one day be King... er, school captain? I don't own MacBeth obviously


Act One, Scene One  
The scene begins in the middle of a high school football field. Thunder and lightning. Three CHEERLEADERS walk onto the field.  
1ST CHEERLEADER: When shall we three meet again  
In thunder, lighting, or in rain?  
2ND CHEERLEADER: When the hurly-burly's done,  
When the battles lost and won.  
3RD CHEERLEADER: Do we have to do this in the rain? I like… totally just straightened my hair.  
2ND CHEERLEADER: Where the place?  
3RD CHEERLEADER: like, let's go to the mall. There's like, totally hot guys there.  
1ST CHEERLEADER: There to meet with Macbeth.  
3RD CHEERLEADER: ewwie. He's like… so gross. Banquo is so much smexier.  
2ND CHEERLEADER: Fair is foul, and foul is fair:  
Hover through the fog and filthy air.  
1ST CHEERLEADER: like, what the hell is that supposed to mean?  
2ND CHEERLEADER: never mind. To the mall!  
ALL: Anon!

Act One, Scene Two

The change rooms of the school football field. Outside a bloody game rages. Alarum within. Enter SCHOOL CAPTAIN DUNCAN, his son and footy coach DONALBAIN and a bleeding JOCK, borne by stretchers.

DUNCAN: What bloody man is that? He can report,  
As seemeth by his plight, of the revolt  
DONALBAIN: Blood! Who careth about a little blood! In my day legs must be severed and heads must roll afore we abandon our posts!  
JOCK: I am faint, my gashes cry for help.  
The multiplying villanies of nature, Do swarm upon him  
And fortune on his damned quarrel smiling  
Showed like a rebel's whore. But all's too weak…  
DONALBAIN: The boy is rambling! But what of the game, unworthy player?  
JOCK: Brave Macbeth! – well he deserves that name –  
Disdaining fortune, with his brandished steel –  
DONALBAIN: My god, we're losing him, Captain! I cannot understand a word from the coward's mouth! Brandished steel? We're playing football, not fighting a war!  
DUNCAN: He means, Macbeth hath scored the winning goal  
DONALBAIN: O valiant player, worthy gentleman!  
JOCK: (weakly) The most disloyal traitor…  
DONALBAIN: What traitor? What evils do you speaketh of, boy?  
JOCK: The Thane of Cawdor….  
DUNCAN: He means, the star quarterback .  
DONALBAIN: (shouting) OFF WITH HIS HEAD!  
Erhm… I mean. Then shall he be hung by the neck until dead!  
And with his formal title, greet Macbeth.  
DUNCAN: I'll see it done.  
What he hath lost noble Macbeth hath won.  
JOCK: Isn't that a little drastic? Hanging him…  
DONALBAIN: SEE IT DONE!

Act One, Scene Three

The mall  
The roar of the crowds. Enter three CHEERLEADERS

1ST CHEERLEADER: Where hast thou been, sister?  
2nd CHEERLEADER: Like they had this rad sale on shoes upstairs. I got some faaaab-ulous heels sister.  
1ST CHEERLEADER: Th'art excellent  
3RD CHEERLEADER: A drum, a drum!  
Macbeth doth come.  
1ST CHEERLEADER: Like, omg, omg, omg, (squeals)  
(other CHEERLEADERS roll eyes)

Enter BANQUO and MACBETH

MACBETH: So foul and fair a day I have not seen  
BANQUO: Hotties ahead Macbeth  
I'd like to 'verb' their 'noun'  
MACBETH: I hear you bruz  
(to CHEERLEADERS)  
Speak if you can. What are you?  
1st CHEERLEADER: All hail Macbeth, hail to thee, rookie footballer!  
2ND CHEERLEADER: All hail Macbeth, hail to thee, star quarterback!  
3RD CHEERLEADER: All hail Macbeth, that shalt be King hereafter!

(awkward silence. 1ST CHEERLEADER nudges 3RD)

3RD CHEERLEADER: oh… I meanth. that shalt be School Captain hereafter, dude!  
MACBETH: That's bitchin'  
BANQUO: But what of me, foul bitches? To me you speak not,  
If you can look into the seeds of time,  
And say which grain will grow, and which will not,  
Speak to me then  
MACBETH: fo'shizzle my nizzle  
ALL CHEERLEADERS: Hail!  
1ST CHEERLEADER: Lesser than Macbeth, and greater  
2ND CHEERLEADER: Not so happy, yet much happier.  
3RD CHEERLEADER: Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none.  
So all hail Macbeth and Banquo!

(exit CHEERLEADERS)

BANQUO: did you understand any of that?  
MACBETH: Man, your gunna get laaaaaaaid!

(enters DONALBAIN)

DONALBAIN: To give thee from our Captain thanks,  
He bade me, from him, call thee star quarterback and Thaine of Cawdor  
MACBETH: Thane of Cawdor? (puzzled)  
BANQUO: (stunned) Star quarterback! But what of the Thane? Doeth he not live?  
DONALBAIN: He is to lose his life on the morrow, for treachery  
And hung by the neck until dead  
MACBETH: dead? I say… that's a bit harsh  
DONALBAIN: come, worthy Thane

(exit MACBETH and DONALBAIN)

BANQUO: (quietly) What evil is this?

Act One, Scene Four

MACBETH is pacing, talking to LADY MACBETH.

MACBETH: Duncan hath named me his successor  
If he is to meet misfortune, then I become Captain of the School  
LADY MACBETH: We should not leave it to chance… shalt we make misfortune meet him?  
MACBETH: Oh?  
LADY MACBETH: But the serpant under't. He that's coming  
Must be provided for; and you shalt put  
This nights great business into my dispatch  
MACBETH: I'm confused….  
LADY MACBETH: The Captain you fool, we're going to kill him!  
MACBETH: Oh!  
LADY MACBETH: To alter favor ever is to fear  
Leave all the rest to me.

Act Two, scene One

DONALBAIN and MACDUFF are looking for DUNCAN. They knock upon the change room doors, seeking to rouse their captain

MACDUFF: Is thy master stirring?  
Our knocking has awaked him, here he comes

MACBETH opens door a small amount, peers around

MACBETH: um… hello  
DONALBAIN: Good morrow, noble sir  
MACBETH: hahahahahahaha…. Yes.  
MACDUFF: Is Duncan within? May we enter?  
(Voice from inside NOOO)  
MACDUFF: ( overly cheery) sure!

(they enter. DUNCAN lays sprayed across the floor, blood splatters the wall. LADY MACBETH stands over him, holding the bloody dagger. Silence.)

MACBETH: OMG! THE CAPTAIN IS DEAD! HOW DID THIS FOUL DEED OCCUR!  
DONALBAIN: O horror, horror, horror! Tongue nor heart  
Cannot conceive nor name thee.  
(MACBETH points to the GUARD)  
MACBETH: His hands and face all badged with blood,  
So were his daggers, which unwiped we found  
Upon his pillow  
(They all look to the bloody dagger LADY MACBETH is holding. She flings it into the GUARD, killing him)  
LADY MACBETH: Help me hence, ho! (faints)  
DONALBAIN: Then Macbeth shall be Captain

(They exit, hailing Macbeth. Behind them lay the bodies of the unconscious Lady Macbeth and Duncan. MACDUFF stands and observes the scene)

MACDUFF: I cannot but help thinking that we are missing something here….


End file.
